Why the Colleagues you Dislike Might Become Great Sources of Insight and Progress.
When it comes to working with people you dislike, almost everyone can think of at least one person they would rather not have to deal with at work. Sometimes that person is mildly irritating; sometimes they are actively distressing. Occasionally, they are so unpleasant that their presence seems to completely contaminate an otherwise enjoyable environment. In an ideal world we would simply avoid such people. In reality, professional life rarely offers that luxury.
Whether in offices, factories, hospitals, classrooms or prisons, most of us will eventually find ourselves working alongside individuals we dislike. When this happens, the default response is often resignation, avoidance or simmering resentment. We tell ourselves that the situation is unfair, that the other person is the problem, and that often our only real option is to endure it until circumstances change.
Yet working with people you dislike, paradoxically, can become a powerful source of learning, resilience and even progress. When there is no good solution or alternative – in other words, when you are stuck working with someone as they are – the way you respond can determine not only how tolerable the experience becomes, but also whether it yields unexpected benefits.
Table of Contents – Working With People You Dislike
Two Types of Unpleasant People
People we dislike usually fall into two broad categories: those who can be referred to as ‘passively unpleasant’ and those who can be described as being ‘actively unpleasant’. In particularly challenging cases, a person may fall into both camps simultaneously.
‘Passively unpleasant’ people are those we simply do not like, even though they have done nothing objectively ‘wrong’. They may possess personality traits we find grating, habits we find irritating, or ways of communicating which clash with our own. Perhaps they are overly verbose, excessively cautious, chronically pessimistic or relentlessly upbeat for example. Or perhaps they remind us of someone else we dislike, or trigger insecurities we would rather not confront. Whatever the reason, their presence drains our energy or creates discomfort without any objective misconduct on their part.
‘Actively unpleasant’ people, by contrast, are those who say or do something wrong. They may be rude, dismissive, manipulative or abusive. They may exploit power imbalances, undermine colleagues or create conflict through their behaviour. In such cases, the problem is not merely subjective dislike, but actions which have real negative consequences.
This article focuses on the situations where there is no simple escape from working with people you dislike. For example, when you cannot easily transfer teams, confront the person directly without risk, or rely on management to intervene. You are stuck working with the person as they are, and you must find a way to make the best of it while maintaining professionalism.
An Early Lesson in Working with People You Dislike
My first significant experience of extreme ‘dislike’ in a professional setting occurred at the very beginning of my career, when I joined the Accelerated Promotion Scheme for HM Prison Service. I was posted to a unit of a London prison which housed a large number of prisoners convicted of very serious crimes.
Personally, I felt a significant aversion towards a lot of the prisoners in this unit. That aversion stemmed partly from the nature of their crimes, (the minute and often disturbing details of which were laid out in their paperwork), and partly from their behaviour in custody. For example, this behaviour often consisted of a mixture of sycophantic ingratiation and unsubstantiated complaints. They would flatter staff excessively one moment and lodge formal grievances the next, often with little basis in fact.
They fell squarely into both categories of unpleasantness. I found them passively unpleasant because of who they were and what they had done, and actively unpleasant because of the manipulative tactics they used to gain advantages within the system. There were many of them, they were not going anywhere, and neither was I – at least not for some time.
Avoidance was not an option. Nor was disengagement. I had to interact with them daily, maintain professionalism at all times, and make decisions which significantly affected their lives. If I allowed my dislike to dominate my thinking, the job would quickly become intolerable, and my performance would suffer.
Reframing the ‘Passively Unpleasant’ Experience
The first challenge was dealing with the ‘passively unpleasant’ aspect of the situation: my visceral dislike of the prisoners themselves. The most effective tool I found was to deliberately reframe my experience by focusing on the benefits they could provide me with, rather than the aspects of them that I found distasteful.
Most people find other people far easier to tolerate if they are receiving a clear benefit from them. This is not cynicism; it is human nature. When we can see a purpose or payoff in an interaction, our tolerance levels increase dramatically.
In this case, working effectively with the prisoners had two potential benefits. The first was ethical: reducing the likelihood of future victims by contributing, however modestly, to reduced reoffending. The second was professional and selfish: advancing my career.
Most prison officers avoided working on this unit if at all possible. When they were assigned to it, they tended to keep interactions to an absolute minimum. As a result, expectations were low. By doing even slightly more than the bare minimum, for example by engaging with prisoners constructively and initiating even small rehabilitative efforts, it was possible to stand out.
I began setting up initiatives aimed at addressing offending behaviour and encouraging personal responsibility. This required increasing my interaction time with the prisoners by a few hours a week. On paper, that might sound like a negative trade-off. In practice, it made the overall experience significantly more tolerable. I was no longer merely enduring their presence; I was extracting value from the situation.
Keeping the dual benefits in mind of career development and the possibility of preventing future harm shifted my internal narrative. The prisoners were no longer just people I disliked; they were part of a system through which I could achieve meaningful outcomes.
Applying the Lesson When Working With People You Dislike
This approach is not limited to extreme environments such as prisons. The same principle applies in more conventional workplaces when working with people you dislike. If you must work with someone who is passively unpleasant, ask yourself what benefits the situation might offer.
Can you learn something from them, even if you dislike their personality? Do they possess skills, experience or institutional knowledge that could be useful to you or others? Can working with them expand your network, strengthen your resilience or enhance your reputation for professionalism?
By consciously identifying and focusing on these benefits, you reduce the emotional weight of the negative aspects. You stop fixating on what you dislike and start engaging with what you can gain. Over time, this reframing can transform an interaction that once felt draining into one that feels purposeful and energising.
Addressing the ‘Actively Unpleasant’ Impact
The second challenge for me was dealing with the ‘actively unpleasant’ behaviour of the prisoners such as the fabricated complaints and manipulative tactics designed to extract privileges from the system at the expense of taxpayers and avoid personal responsibility.
Actively unpleasant behaviour is often far harder to deal with, particularly when it is subtle, difficult to prove, or carried out by someone who has the power to cause you serious problems. Emotional reactions rarely help. Direct confrontation may escalate the situation. Ignoring the behaviour entirely can allow it to continue unchecked.
The most effective technique I found in such circumstances was to remove the reward obtained by the unpleasant behaviour as far as possible. Once you remove – or even reduce – the reward, the behaviour usually stops, or at least itself reduces.
In the case of the prisoners on this unit, the reward they sought was advantage: preferential treatment, concessions, or leverage over staff. To negate this, I compiled an extensive portfolio documenting the recurring pattern of false allegations and manipulative actions with all staff.
Over time, this body of evidence revealed the truth of what was happening, and thereby undermined the credibility of future complaints. That is not to say that genuine complaints were ignored – simply that once a systematic approach to documentation and analysis was put in place, the ‘wheat could be sorted from the chaff’ so to speak.
The effect was striking. Once it became clear that these tactics no longer produced results, their frequency dropped dramatically. The behaviour had not disappeared because the individuals had become morally enlightened, but simply because it no longer worked.
This approach had an additional, unexpected benefit. Other officers had long struggled with the same problem, and the solution improved my relationships with colleagues. By addressing a shared challenge effectively, I earned trust and respect within the team.
Negating Rewards in Everyday Workplaces
The principle of negating rewards also applies well beyond prisons when working with people you dislike. In many workplaces, actively unpleasant behaviour persists because it delivers something of value to the person engaging in it. Public humiliation may provide a sense of dominance. Passive-aggressive comments may elicit emotional reactions. Undermining others may enhance perceived status.
If someone attempts to publicly humiliate you, for example, the reward they seek is often your visible discomfort. By refusing to provide that reaction, you deprive them of their payoff. A calm response such as, “I’m sorry you feel you have to behave like that,” shifts the focus back onto them and signals that their behaviour has failed to achieve its goal.
This does not mean tolerating abuse indefinitely or failing to escalate serious issues when necessary. Rather, it means being strategic. Where possible, remove the incentives that sustain the behaviour. Document patterns, remain consistent, and avoid rewarding unpleasantness with attention, emotion or compliance.
The Broader Payoff of Working With People You Dislike
One of the most under appreciated benefits of dealing effectively with unpleasant people is the reputation it builds. Unpleasant behaviour is rarely isolated. When someone behaves badly towards you, others have often experienced the same treatment. By responding calmly and strategically, you demonstrate emotional intelligence, professionalism and resilience.
Over time, this can significantly enhance how others perceive you. People notice when you are successfully working with people you dislike – they notice who can handle difficult situations without losing composure. They remember who solved problems rather than escalating them. These reputational gains often far outlast the unpleasant individual themselves.
Turning Discomfort into Development When Working with People You Dislike
It is very unusual for anyone to pass through their entire professional life without encountering people they dislike. Discomfort, in this sense, is not an anomaly but a feature of working with others. The key question is not whether unpleasant people will appear, but how we choose to respond when they do.
When approached skilfully, even the most negative relationships can become opportunities for growth. Passively unpleasant people can teach us patience, perspective and strategic reframing. Actively unpleasant people can sharpen our ability to set boundaries, manage incentives and act with presence and authority.
None of this makes unpleasant behaviour acceptable. But it does mean that we are not powerless in the face of it. By shifting our focus from avoidance to engagement, and from resentment to strategy, we can transform situations we once dreaded into experiences that strengthen us.
The silver lining of working with people you dislike is not that they are enjoyable to deal with, but that they force you to develop skills you might otherwise neglect and encourage your growth. In learning to navigate them, you often become more capable, more respected, and more effective than you were before.
For a detailed look at how coaching can help with communication skills, you may wish to read our article ‘Executive Communication Coaching’. For coaching designed to optimise professional performance take a look at our article ‘Executive Coaching Packages’. |
Working with People You Dislike – Mary Taylor & Associates
We understand that one of the most demanding aspects of professional life is often not strategy or workload, but people. Executives operate in environments where difficult relationships cannot simply be avoided – whether that involves managing challenging colleagues, navigating power dynamics or leading individuals whose behaviour undermines trust and performance. Generic professional development programs rarely address such realities with the depth or nuance they require.
Our executive coaching is deliberately personal and highly tailored, providing a confidential one-to-one space for professional to examine the interpersonal challenges they face. The focus is not on changing others, but on strengthening the executive’s judgement, influence and behavioural choices so that even the most testing relationships can be handled with composure and authority.
Mary Taylor brings a distinctive combination of experience as an organisational psychologist, corporate lawyer and accredited executive coach, alongside extensive work with senior professionals operating under sustained pressure. This blend allows her to address both the emotional and strategic dimensions of difficult working relationships, helping executives understand what is really driving behaviour, where leverage exists and how to respond in ways which reduce friction while increasing impact.
Our coaching process is structured yet adaptable, combining targeted reflection with practical experimentation and real-world application. Sessions are shaped around the individual’s specific context, facilitating focused work on patterns such as managing irritation, setting boundaries, neutralising unproductive behaviour and maintaining professionalism under strain. Evidence-based techniques and creative problem-solving are used to generate strategies that can be applied immediately.
This approach is designed to create lasting change. Rather than offering short-term fixes, our coaching builds the capability to navigate complex interpersonal dynamics with confidence and consistency. Executives emerge better equipped to handle difficult people, preserve their energy and perform effectively even in uncomfortable situations, creating benefits not only for themselves but also for their colleagues and the wider organisation.
With a commitment to fully personalised coaching, Mary Taylor & Associates supports professionals in turning challenging relationships into sources of insight, influence and long-term effectiveness.
